There is much we can learn from children. Among their wisdom, I love the simplicity with which they ask for what they want. They start with the fundamental “wanna…” as in “wanna biscuit…wanna cuddle…wanna poo” – not necessarily in that order. Then they learn to speak more correctly and “wanna” turns into “I want” and – to be fair – becomes an unceasing litany of things that they want. I’m sure that as a child I’d started making next year’s Christmas wish-list before I’d finished the thank you letters for the current year’s gifts. At least I was diligent about the thank you’s.
Having taught the child to speak, we then set about teaching them not to ask. I want becomes can I have softens into may I. At every stage we’re teaching them that they have less and less right to ask. It is no wonder that as adults we manipulate and scheme our way into getting what we want; we have been educated out of simply asking for it.
And yet at least one holy book says, in so many words, Ask and it shall be given, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. Ok, I’m not an expert on the Bible so Matthew was probably talking about something very specific – but I think the principle holds true more generally.
Mostly.
Let me use my get-out-jail-free card right up front. Despite everything I’m going to say here, I also hold to the premise that all of our prayers are answered, it’s just that sometimes the answer is ‘no’.
I believe that Spirit knows better than we do, so if she is saying ‘no’ or ‘not yet’ then there is a reason for that. We’re free to ask what that reason is and maybe it will become clear. Or we can simply wait and see if what feels like a ‘no’ is really just a ‘not yet’ or a ‘not quite like that’.
That said, I do believe that for the most part, if we ask it shall be given. So why don’t we ask? Really ask…ask in the certain knowledge of a two-year-old that there is no reason why we should not have?
Largely, I believe, because we have been taught not to do so. In that teaching we have learned that we are not worthy, that we do not deserve whatever it is that we want. And in that learning we have embedded the idea that we can ask, but it won’t happen.
I believe that because of all of that, we have learned to couch our requests in subtle language. We try to trade: if I can have X, I will do Y. We have learned to soften the deal: I want E but only if H or in a way that involves S. We have learned to make the request so vague that we can stretch the parameters of receipt.
I also believe that Spirit is a very busy woman. She has no time for mind games. She is not going to second guess what we mean when we ask. If we are not specific, we will get what she thinks we meant which may be so far off-beam that we don’t even see the connection to our original ask. If we start to over-specify and we get into the ‘how’ or the ‘when’ or the ‘who with’ – that will simply irritate her. It’s not our job to fill in the details. That’s her job. And like many of us, she’ll do the easy stuff first which, if we’re being over-prescriptive, will likely be some-one else’s.
We need to re-learn to speak like a child when we speak to the Universe. We need to ask directly for what we want. Simply. Clearly.
To do this, we have to first figure out exactly what we do want. Quite often we will start with a bit of a ramble. I want to earn a decent living using my skills in x, y, z and…in order to…
It’s a good place to start, but it’s not a child-like construction. A child would know what it meant by ‘a decent living’. A child would put an actual number on it, say £1m a year, because naturally a child would pick a big number. As an adult, we would be realistic and pick a smaller one, depending on what we felt we needed to maintain the lifestyle we aspire to. Or maybe not. You might want to earn a million pounds a year. Why not? Me, not so much, for reasons not relevant here.
As an adult we might not specify a number at all, but precisely define it in other ways. One of my early definitions was “sufficient to pay all of my bills without thinking”. When I wrote that, I hadn’t learned the other lesson, which is the separation of wants. What I actually wrote was sufficient to pay all of my bills without thinking, and fund one big trip a year. This is what we might call bundling the requests.
I can now see that there are two requests in there:
(1) I want to be able to pay all of my bills without thinking;
(2) I want to be able to fund one big trip a year
Clearly ‘a big trip’ needed a little refining as well, but let’s just focus on this notion of un-bundling our desires. Let’s use another example.
Let’s say that now I can pay all my bills and fund those trips (which I can’t take anyway!). I now have other requests. Among them, let’s say, that I want to receive the support and inspiration that will help me to use my skills with the written word to create beautiful things that help people see what a wonderful planet we live on and be motivated to take better care of it and the beings that call it home.
Which would be true. I do want all of that and, as it happens, it’s also rough translation from a different field of how one of my friends expressed what they want. This is how we tie ourselves in knots when we’re trying to ask for something we no longer believe we have the right to ask for.
So let me unpack that, to show how it works. What I’m actually saying is:
- I want to be supported
- I want to be inspired
- I want to write
- I want to use my writing to create beauty
- I want to use my writing to reflect beauty
- I want my writing to make people look at the world closely
- I want my writing to make people look at the world differently
- I want my writing to inspire people
- I want to inspire people to love and protect the planet
So that convoluted sentence contained (at least) 9 separate “wants”.
What difference does it make to write them out separately, rather than combine them together?
For a start it splits the load between me and Spirit. Whatever it is that we want, whatever we are asking for, we have to meet the Universe part way. We have to do our bit.
At least one of those wants I can and must satisfy without any kind of intervention (divine or otherwise). I want to write. Ok, girl, sit down and write. Simple as.
Then, I can take positive action towards some of the others. I can seek out support and inspiration. Whether what I create is ‘beautiful’ is not for me to judge, but the ‘creating’ part of it is definitely down to me. If I want to use my writing to do whatever, then clearly I have to use it. I have to put it out into the world.
So the first lesson of simplifying what we ask for is that it highlights our own part in obtaining it. There are quite a few other “wants” on my full list to which the Universe can quite legitimately respond with Go on then! (Ouch!)
The second lesson from un-bundling is that it allows us to recognise the abundance of what we ARE given, even when we are not given EVERYTHING.
If I bundle all of my 9 (or more) desires into one long request, then unless all of it is met, then I will feel the lack, the bits that are missing, rather than the abundance of what has been received.
If I separate them out, and I find that, say 7 of the 9 manifest in my life then rather than having one request that has not been fulfilled I have 7 that have, and 2 that are on hold. A 100% failure becomes a 77% success. In other words, it makes it easier to see what we are being given, the things we can tick off the list. This either narrows down the list, or enables us to unpack the list even further, or creates space for us (greedy souls that we are) to audaciously ask for even more.
I think Spirit likes audacious. So long as we are diligent in our gratitude, by being genuinely appreciative of the abundance we have – which means noticing it, being thankful for it, using it, sharing it, enjoying it – then I think she’s happy for us to come back and ask for the next bit, a bit more, a bit different, a continuance of the same, whatever it is for us.
The third lesson of simplifying what we ask for, is that it makes it very stark – and that can sometimes force us to wonder ‘why?’. A curious thing happens when we ask ourselves why we want a particular thing. It often turns out that it isn’t the ‘thing’ that we want, it is how having the thing will make us feel, or what it will enable us to achieve. Once we identify that, we essentially change the request, which in turn widens the possible ways in which it might be satisfied. We may not want to earn that magic number of pounds, rather we simply want to feel financially secure, be debt-free, and able to indulge a particular passion.
The final things we need to learn about all this ‘asking for what we want’ business are: who do we ask and how do we ask?
The answers are not prescriptive. A lot depends upon your own belief system, your world view and your own personal ways of relating to the world (for example in terms of whether you are vocal or literary or visual). If you’re brave enough to ask, figuring out the who and the how will follow instinctively.
I simply ask the Universe (which I sometimes call Spirit) – by which I mean the entire interconnected system of everything – and I do so by writing it down. You might have a god or goddess to whom you pray: ask them. You might ask by speaking it out loud, or by singing, or by painting, or creating a vision board. How doesn’t matter. Who doesn’t matter. Just ask.
Oh, and yes…ask people too. I’m reminded of a former colleague who, when she had a work problem, would simply walk around the office asking anyone and everyone until she found her way to the right desk or got hold of the right phone number. Keep asking until you find someone who can help. Meet the Universe half-way.
And having asked, be patient, trust, and pay attention or you might just miss the answer. Asking for what we want doesn’t necessarily mean it will be handed to us on a silver platter.
Though sometimes it is: when I started planning my second big holiday and was wondering if I could afford it, my parents called to tell me they’d had a windfall that they were sharing out and my portion paid for the trip. Often though, we will be given the opportunity to access what we need: we will be shown an open doorway that we can step through, or a person who can give us what we need: we may be introduced to someone recruiting for a job-role that can get us out of one we no longer want to be in.
And be brave, because sometimes we are given things the hard way. Sometimes we have to pay the price. They say be careful what you wish for, and I don’t disagree with that, but I wouldn’t let it stop you wishing altogether. Think about what you really want, why you want it, what you’re going to do once you’ve got it…and then: just ask.
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