Continuing the theme of the human needs identified by Anthony Robbins we come to number 4: Love & Connection. As with everything else we are each unique and how much love and connection we need, more importantly the form we need it to take, will vary. That we need it, does not.
Bruce Springsteen sang about a little of that human touch. Nurse Christie Watson’s book The Language of Kindness also talks about how important physical connection is. We don’t only need to be known, liked, respected and loved; we also need to be touched: a handshake, a hug, a playful semi-punch to the shoulder, a fist bump or a kiss – the need for them is built into our DNA.
It’s not just humans. We see it in other species. Most mammals groom members of their clan. Birds pass food beak to beak. Call it instinct, call it bonding, it is all about connection.
In this period of lock-down many of us are being deprived of this very real need for connection.
For now (we’re into the UK’s sixth week of lock-down), there is nothing we can do about our need to be held, to be touched, especially if we live alone. Those enduring lock-down in family groups are luckier – there are still hugs and kisses to be had. But then we must also share a thought for those trying to endure it in unhappy homes, in sterile relationships or abusive ones. Not all proximity results in touch; not all touch is gentle or kind.
For the worst scenarios there is something to be done: seek the help that is out there, find the courage to leave. It’s not easy, but it is essential – now more than ever.
For the others, it is just a case of knowing that this is temporary, we will come out the other side, we will be held again. Hugged. Touched.
For all of us it is a matter of knowing that as important as the physical connection is, it is not the whole story. Social distance in an expression none of us had heard a few weeks ago and one that we all now use almost daily. What we need to remember is that social distance does not equal emotional distance. In fact, there are signs that there is an inverse relationship between social distance and emotional distance. The more we are kept apart from those we care about, the more effort we make to connect with them, to show our affection towards them, the closer, in other words, our emotional connection becomes.
Love is something of a loaded word. This is maybe why Robbins softens it with “and connection”. In the English-speaking world, we worry about love. Saying I love you comes with a whole host of baggage containing other unsaid stuff and we can never be sure what that is, so we avoid it. I was brought up in a very loving family, but I don’t remember my Mam ever saying she loved me and I very clearly remember the one time my Dad did.
I turned out the opposite. I say it very easily…and trust the person hearing it to understand the context and the nuance.
Whatever words we use, however, be it love, or affection, or like, or appreciate, or respect, it is clear that the lock-down around the world is rather unexpectedly giving people more opportunities and more ways in which to say it.
We are honour bound to stay home, to stay away from the people we want to be with, but we are SO fortunate to be living in an era of mass communication. Texts, emails, telephone, Skype, Zoon, Facetime, YouTube, Facebook, and all the others. We cannot come together in our teams or families or groups in the physical realm, but we can talk in real time, we can use video links to see smiles and reassuring body language, to share work and play.
Team meetings are happening. Choirs are singing. Brass bands are playing happy show tunes. Theatres are streaming filmed performances which are nowhere close to the real thing, but still provide a connection between actor and audience that will always be missing from a film or a tv show.
It is also a time when we are connecting with the strangers around us, by thanking the people who would normally go about their jobs unnoticed. I remember years ago I was on a visit home and going shopping my Mam. As we got off the bus, she thanked the driver. Her friend asked, “what on earth are you thanking him for, he’s just doing is job – and we’re late.” Mam was astonished at the attitude, especially as it wasn’t remotely important that our bus was a few minutes behind schedule. “Well,” she said, “for a start he got us here safely.” When you think about it, how many times do we get off a bus or a train or out of taxi and remember that the driver got us there safely? We probably do when we get off a plane or a ship, but then pilots and ships captains are given far more respect to start with. In these times, we’re realising that everyone who is doing their job is in some way connected to the life we are leading and we’re beginning to show a bit more respect (to drivers, hauliers, postmen, shop-assistants, refuse collectors). We’re beginning to make connections. Show gratitude. Share the love.
Connection at its basic level is just the simple understanding and compassion that goes with understanding that this person is another human being, and maybe they’re having an even tougher time than we are. Empathy is the basis for connection but it is forged by a word, a smile, a deed.
The trying circumstances are also a time to give a little thought to ourselves, as to what we need. We have a responsibility to love ourselves as well as those around us. Without self-love, we cannot begin to love others. Also, if we are not aware of what we need and we don’t communicate whatever that is to our family, friends and loved ones, it is harder for them to give it to us or to help us find it. If your loved ones are a few streets away but it might as well be the other side of the planet given that you are not going to see them anytime soon, this is an ideal time to put into words, to be explicit, about what you might otherwise expect them to interpolate from your actions and body language.
If you would normally feel embarrassed to tell your parents, siblings, co-workers, etc how much you like, love and respect them – maybe now is the ideal excuse to do so. The “one remove” dials down the embarrassment factor.
Conversely, being loved and connected, sometimes involves saying please leave me alone for a little while. Loving and connecting also includes giving people time and space to do their own thing.
Don’t be afraid to tell someone what it is they add to your life. At the same time don’t be afraid to escape to the potting shed or the bathroom if that’s the only place you get an hour’s peace to read or listen to your favourite podcast, or to write in your journal and connect with yourself. Sneak cushions in, lock the door, and put a sign up “meeting in progress”.
Be kind, be loving, stay connected.
