I don’t know whether it’s the time of year or the state of the world, but I keep getting prompts to write about the downbeat: unhappy things, unhappy people, depression. These are all hard topics and I have no claim to expertise, so please do not rely on anything I say here. I am not a clinical psychologist. I am just another human being who has been depressed, found a way out of it, and who has also been very close to two people who have struggled with it long-term. I don’t know what is right or wrong; I only know what is true for me. This is what I believe..
- The word depression is used too loosely and can be harmful if applied to the wrong feelings.
- Sadness is part of the human condition. It cannot be avoided. If we shut down sadness, we also shut down joy...they come from the same well.
- Sadness is not depression – though it can feel just as scary sometimes. Sadness is a recognition that life can be hard, that things we thought we wanted were not to be, that things we think we want have not yet come to pass, and may never do so (we cannot know). It is a recognition that people around the world are suffering. It is a recognition that people close to us are suffering. It is a recognition that we, ourselves, are suffering. If we root our focus entirely in those things then sadness will morph into depression, but to see them as they are from time to time and to weep for them (from time to time) or to get angry about them (now and then) is not depression: it is compassion. Maybe it is also a call to action.
- Depression can be situational – in which case it is entirely rational – and when the situation changes or we find a way to change it or our response to it, then the depression will lift. Or it can be chemical – in which case medication may help. Or it can be psychological – in which case working out where it’s from, what its triggers are, can help. Whatever the cause, talking about it is essential.
- Talking about how we feel, and not only when we think we may be depressed, is essential. Whether we are sad, depressed, confused – or happy, elated, curious – or scared / excited – trusting or fearful – whatever: I think is essential to emotional resilience that we find a way of voicing that. It validates the feeling – makes it of value, purely of and in itself. It also reminds us that it is just a feeling – a construct of the mind. It is not who we are, it is not what the world is, it is a feeling, an expression, a created thing, a passing thing.
- We do well to choose our confessors wisely. Ideally people who love us unconditionally and/or in whom we have utmost trust and/or trained professionals – non-judgement is what we need when we are low. I think it was Brené Brown who said that people have to earn the right to hear our story – they do so by being trust-worthy to respond appropriately.
- If we mis-label some states of mind as depression, how can we tell if we are actually depressed? Again, these a purely personal observations and not to be relied upon. For me, it includes not wanting to sleep*, not wanting to get out of bed, feeling worthless, believing we are unwanted or unloved, not being able to see a point to our existence (by which I mean more than just being in “what’s the point mode” about a particular aspect of our life – that’s just frustration – but in our very right to be alive). Not wanting to eat, eating too much, abusing substances, self-harm, not being able to find fun or pleasure or joy or beauty or other forms of ‘goodness’ in anything or anyone. Not just for a moment, not just for a day, but indefinitely. Depression is bleak. Dark. Heavy. It can arrive out of the blue like a summer thunderstorm, and pass just as suddenly. With reason, or without. It is full of contradictions. It is overwhelming. Even when we can rationalise it, we feel that we cannot lift it.
*I have to add an aside to the ‘not wanting to sleep’ one. And note I say “not wanting to” rather than “not being able to”. There are many reasons why we may not be able to sleep when we genuinely want to, but what I’m talking about here is actively avoiding going to bed. I think there are two reasons why we might put off going to bed, when we’re tired and really should be sleeping. One of them is related to depression: it is an attempt to put off the next day, a new day of more of the same and possibly worse, that we really don’t want to arrive, don’t want to have to face. However, the other reason is the opposite. It is the positive aspect of relishing the day we’re still in, not wanting this day, this wonderful, beautiful, exciting, glorious perfect day to end. Neither of them are healthy, but clearly knowing which we’re indulging in can be helpful.
- Having been in the deep dark pit, I can say that there are ways out. Many ways out. And many people holding out their hands to you in the darkness. Don’t be afraid to grab hold of one. And don’t be afraid to let it go if you sense it is not leading you in the right direction. Our instincts continue to function in the dark.
- What worked for me, and still works for me: Gratitude. I make this a daily practice in micro-form, but when I feel the clouds gathering I go back to Susan Jeffers’ and her principle of 50-things. She advocated a daily gratitude journal which required listing 50 things you were grateful for, every night before bed. 50. Writing such a long list, especially if you do it every day for a period of time, really does make you focus on the abundance in your life...the huge things and the tiny. You will find yourself scratching around for things to be grateful for and the magic is that you will find them. From there you realise that you must deserve such abundance...and besides you will almost immediately include people, and they will be people who love you and from there the possibility that you are on their gratitude list might just worm its way into your thinking. In any event, it shows up the good in your life and gives it permission to drown out (at least some of) the bad.
- What worked for me, and still works for me: Look for beauty. YOUR definition of beauty. For me it includes nature, street-art, architecture, the glory of a good-looking face, quirkiness of shop windows, beautiful clothes that would never look that good on me, big American cars in candy pink that are stupid for the environment and will never find a parking space but still gorgeous in shape, favourite bridges, puddles… For you it will be…..I have no idea, you choose. Just look for it and you will find it and it may make you smile. It is no more difficult than that. You don’t need to Instagram it. You don’t need to Facebook it. You don’t need to journal it or photo it or poem it or tell your best mate about it. Just look and find and think oh, I like that. I remember that in my dark days, there was a small statute in a house-window that I passed every morning on my way to work. And I remember that it made me smile every time. I like that, me I used to think (for some odd reason in a Billy Connolly accent, which made me smile even more).
- What worked for me, and still works for me: Find silly. It’s hard to be depressed when you’re laughing at Del Boy falling through the bar or the Two Ronnies doing the Four Candles sketch or the Vicar of Dibley trying to explain jokes to Alice or trying to keep up with Milton Jones’ one-liners or the sheer absurdity of Task Master. Or whatever it is that works for you. These are just some of my go-to happier-moment places. The important thing is that it should be silly-funny, not just clever-funny. The child-like element I think is important.
- I read somewhere: there is no pain that cannot be cured by salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
- Never fight the pain – accept it, befriend it, be curious about it. When the tears want to come, let them. Find someone to hold your hand while you weep or hide away (for a little while), but let them flow – and just be curious – about what prompted them, and what they might really be about. A good question to ask is whether you feel better afterwards. I’m a heavy-duty crier. Books and movies can make me sob. I think that’s only partly about the book or the movie and partly about releasing my own unexpressed emotions. I don’t over-analyse that. I just notice that I’m sentimental and this sweet thing made me cry and having cried I feel better. Tears can be cleansing, healing.
An aside on crying: crying for no reason is reckoned as one of the indicators of possible depression, but there is crying and crying… I think that if we are simply weeping, tears flowing, emotion welling, but not heart-wrenching sobs, then it may be worth asking whether they are even tears of sadness. They may well be. They may well be a release of long-held grief, or just a reaction to the state of the world today. But equally, could they be tears of joy, of relief, of hope…of the emotional release that comes when we realise we have turned a corner, stepped onto a new path, finally started to realise a dream?
- If your concern is for how you are feeling: talk to someone. Talk to your Mum or your Dad or your siblings, talk to a professional, talk to your trusted friends, talk to a stranger, buy a tape recorder and talk to yourself, get a book and write it down uncensored spelt anyway you want...but talk. Sometimes all we need to do to feel better is to understand how we feel to start with. Acceptance of where we are is the start of all journeys.
- If you concern is for how to help someone else, all I can say is don’t try too hard and follow your instincts. Be open and sensitive and trust enough to feel very quickly if the approach you are taking isn’t helping – and change it.
- Be brave enough to say: I am sorry I don’t think I’m the right person to help you with this when that is the case.
- Remember the three most important little words in the English language are: Are you ok? When you use them, listen to the answer, including the bits that aren’t in it.
- Keep it simple. Remember it’s not about you. If you give them a tool, let them use it any way they want. I’m learning The Way of the Rope, Ropeflow, WeckMethod RMT, whatever you want to call it, and while I am using the tutorials that are out there, I also feel the need to just be allowed to swing it anyway I want at times. I still do random swings with Springsteen songs playing in my head. It’s not ‘way of the rope’ but it makes me smile – and gets me moving. If you choose to share your practice (whether its ice-skating or origami or whatever else) – let them do it their way.
- Give people space to talk and don’t make talking obligatory. Don’t fill the silence – and don’t expect them to do so either. Sometimes the burden of disclosure is too heavy and we just want the presence of another person, kicking a ball about or listening to music or talking footie or soaps or Strictly. Someone told me that healing happens in silence. I think another way of looking at this is that healing happens in the spaces we are brave enough not to need to fill. What do you think? How do you feel? are really threatening questions when your only answer is f’ing crap, or I DON’T KNOW!!!
- Be light-hearted for them. One of the greatest gifts my best friend gave me in my grief was to come to the funeral director’s with me. We laughed so much in that back room planning my partner’s send-off. Yes I was crying the whole time, proper snotty-snuffle crying, but here’s a weird thing: tears are not a barrier to laughter. Resort to locker-room humour if that’s what it takes. Dredge up absurd memories. If you can make someone laugh through their tears, you are doing a magical thing.
- We’ve evolved the capacity for denial for a reason. Sometimes we need to just pretend it’s not happening. It can be dangerous if it becomes a default setting...but it is a short-term safety valve.
- Distraction is a good thing. Sometimes the most help you can be, is to stop trying to help and just going off and doing something with them, letting them focus on something else for a while.
These are strange times and for many people they are hard times. For some people all times are hard. If you are one of them, know that there are people in here with you who won’t pretend to know how you feel, but have maybe been somewhere similar and will do what they can to help you find your way…because it is your way, and you will find it.
For those who are in a better place and trying to help someone, I would add: remember that their well-being is not your responsibility. Protect yourself. Don’t take on their problems as your own. Keep working on your own self-care and resilience. Remember always that no matter how many people around you need help, no matter what the state of the wider world, another fundamental truth is that you matter too!
All of our paths wander in and out of the darkness: we have a choice in how we use the light and how we respond to the darkness.
